"Oh, great. Coming from soneone who's never had a relationship that's never outlasted the expiration date on a gallon of milk." - Kate, responding to Nick offering romance advice to her.
"I'm absolutely, positively going to kick your ass." - Scott, Postal Worker possessed by Sandman.
Kate: I didn't know they had a SU-2 unit in Los Angeles.
Alice: No. I went out there to be an actress. Figured this job was perfect training; all I do is lie.
Dr. Kazuckson: Are you feeling ... ok?
Kate: I feel ... ok ... all over.
Nick: Mud wrestling is actually an ancient, honorable art form that goes back to ... well, the 80's.
Kate: Nice, nice. Mr. Commitment.
Nick: I'm making a commitment. I'm going to see her tag team tonight.
Captain Page: You got two choices Carl. Lock up. You can be confined to a 4 x 3 steel box and quite safe. Or if you would prefer being able to breathe. You'll stay in town, hit the streets and see what you can dig up on this new chamleon.
Carl: Does the box have cable? .... Point taken, Captain Subtle!!!
"Well, you know that's a good argument when you're not dealing with a homicidal cop hell bent on revenge." - Kate
"I like what I do too, but atleast I don't vibrate in place." - Nick
Nick: She kissed me, Captain.
Captain: Interesting... I understand this is a two person operation, unless I've been doing it wrong all of these years...
"It's hard not to think about the thing you wish you said." - Nick
"You're easy O'Malley. Five minutes into the date and she's already got your clothes off...." - Carl
Detective Green: How come nobody knows what Special Unit 2 does?
Kate: We do the samething you do...
Nick: ... only better!!!
"yes sir, we never blow up several million dollars of irreplaceable equipment .... twice." - Jonathan
Jonathan: So the only people who can see him are children...
Nick: ... And me. [looks at Kate] I thought I'd make the joke before anyone else does.
Kate: Nice defensive maneuver...
Carl: Last night O'Malley was at a Strip Club...
Nick: It was a weak moment.
Kate: When you went or when you swore them off?
"Follow my orders and I'll give you the gift that keeps on giving. Life." - unknown assailant
Nameless: Have I got you curious?
Nick: No. Mostly you just got me pissed off. See, resurrecting corpses is illegal in the state of Illinois. So now I'm going to have to arrest you...
Ian: I want this to lead to. . . (cell phone rings) I think that's you.
Kate: What??? (angry tone)
Nick: Good morning to you to.
Kate: (to Ian) It's business.
Kate: (to Nick) Listen to me this better be an urgent light flashing, siren screaming emergency.
Nick: (puts the light on the car, turning it on, then turning the siren on. Then casually waves at Nick from across the street.)
Nick: There's only one way to kill a Gorgon. Chop her head off.
Kate: Well Nick that's just the myth though.
Jonathan: No, that's how you kill a Gorgon.
Captain Page: Only way I know.
Carl: Works every time.
Nick: Let's get some head!
"All I'm saying is marriage is a big step in your life. You might not know it when its right, but youre probably going to know when its wrong. Someone should write that down." -Nick O'Malley
Kate: So what are we going to do. We're gonna tell her that she actually saw a dragon. That we work for a covert precinct of the Chicago Police Department that deals with the monsters of ancient-modern myth.
Nick: I like that job description it makes us sound important and effective.
Nick: Where's the necklace?
Shady Guy: Your mother has it. . . (BANG, nick shoots him)
Kate: What the hell are you doing?
Nick: Kate, I'm pretty sure my mother doesn't have it
Captain Page: One specially outfitted mobile command vehicle: $172,000, Custom Weaponry and ordinance: $211,000.
Nick: Watching Carl squirm in pain: priceless.
Jonathan: Carl!!! I'm speechless.
Carl: Now I know I'm in trouble.
Kate: Makes you wonder if there's anyone out there like that?
Nick: Good looking, charming, and funny... Yeah there is... there's you.
Nick: What would you do?
Jonathan: Are you asking my opinion?
Nick: I'm not thinking straight, the DJ just played Vanilla Ice.
Kate: That doesn't matter, I still feel like a loser.
Nick: No can make you feel like a loser without you letting them.
"I know what chaffing is. I'm just surprised there's a dish for it." Captain Page
"You know, personally, I like a guy that a little snap, crackle, pop. But I've always had a thing for bad boy and that Nick is a very, bad, boy." Alice Kramer
Therapist: What did you feel when you hit him?
Nick: A dull thump.
Therapist: Emotionally, look deep inside yourself for the answer.
Nick: [pauses to think] Joy!
Kate: Ok, great! Are you happy?
Nick: Happy, why would I be happy. Not only did he close this thing but you interrupted me while I was threatening his life.
Kate: Well I thought you were through. Besides, people like that dont respond to anger. You have to reason with them.
Nick: Well, I think you're mistaking a government lifetime civil service worker with a normal human being.
Carl: Road Trip. I call shotgun!
Nick: I think I can arrange for one.
"And that's the last time I travel Cargio." - Carl
Kate: Don't answer that. Don't answer that Nick.
Nick: This is Nick, loving every moment of my life and yours. Hello.
Captain: O'Malley, is that you?
Nick: Oh I'm glad you called Captain. I want you to smell something.
Kate: Yeah last time I checked we just can't kidnap and stripsearch an immensley popular public figure because we think he's a Link.
Nick: I hate that...
Kate: Pandas aren't blue.
Nick: Neither are pigs.
Kate: Oh, ok, Crocodile Hunter then what is it?
Miss Understanding: What are you doing after the show?
Carl: I was hoping to have a little misunderstanding.
Nick: So we've got a genie on our hands?
Jonathan: Being mundane, yes.
Nick: I thought I was to the point.
Kate: Actually it was mundane.
Jonathan: Can you guys keep a secret?
Nick: We're so secret we can't even answer that.
Kate: Why can I make it work for you and not for me?
Nick: Maybe we have different expectations.
Kate: How so?
Nick: Because I have none!